The Psych Diaries

Date: 31/1/26
Location: Curled in my bed, watching 2 Broke Girls

I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel anxious. But truthfully, I’ve always thought it was funny when people talked about anxiety like a feeling. As if it was purely in my head, something I could wish away with thoughts of a happy place and deep breathing.

It’s never felt like an emotion to me.

Emotions come and go. Emotions I can control.

This feeling?

This feeling is purely and undeniably somatic. Chest tight. Heart pounding. Vision getting fuzzy. If I could sum it up in one word, how it feels to make any decision would be: nauseating.

And yet, in five days I have a dance class booked with a bunch of strangers. Over my summer holidays, I built a blog from scratch. I’ve taken salsa classes, stayed on vegan farms, and in the corner of my room is a pair of hot pink roller blades. I’ve dabbled in so many hobbies I can barely count.

And I fought my anxiety disorder every step of the way.

How?

Because you can’t outrun the devil… but you can get a head start on anxiety.

See, anxiety functions on a feedback loop of avoidance. You think you’ll die if you do something. So you don’t do it. You don’t feel anxious. Boom. Problem fixed- or more accurately, avoided.

You tell yourself you just aren’t quite ready yet. But you’re almost there. You just need a bit more time. The perfect time.

But then you keep avoiding things. That hobby you always wanted to try. The business idea you’ve had hidden in secret notebooks inside your desk. Calling that one person. Before you know it, you’ve shrunk your life to the circumference of comfort.

This isn’t my first time trying to start a blog or a writing project. My last one was a book blog, and I never got past designing the site. I was so scared to hit publish before I had everything set out perfectly that… I never hit the button at all.

I hit the publish button on The Psych Diaries as soon as I had a homepage and an “About Me.” The rest of the pages were a chaotic scramble of “Coming soon” and “Error page not found.” I knew it was ugly. I knew it wasn’t perfect. But at least I hit the damn button.

And you know what? The world didn’t end. No one sent me death threats saying, “Your blog sucks, sleep with one eye open tonight.”

In fact, on the other side of my anxiety was actually… stillness.

Oh.

I can be seen. And the world still turns, the sun still rises, and I am still okay.

It’s not about having a thousand plans so you never fail or get hurt. It’s about having some confidence in yourself. Are you really as fragile as your anxiety wants you to believe? Haven’t you survived on this messed-up floating rock so far, so good?

So yes, stranger on the other side of the screen- you could wait. Don’t start now. But imagine if you did.

The only way you don’t win is to not do anything.

If you start now, where might you be in six months? A year?

Next week I’ll be taking an adults’ lyrical dance class. I haven’t been able to do the splits since I was ten. I don’t think I ever mastered the pirouette in ballet class. Yet if I start now, in six months chances are my leg could very well be up to my ear, or at least much further than if I had never started at all.

So you think the worst will happen.

Okay. I’m not going to try and convince you it won’t.

But why don’t you test that hypothesis?

I dare you 😉

Better yet, when was the last time you dared yourself?